To be honest, I'm not even sure I'm going to post this. It's essentially going to be a therapeutic exercise for me.
I'm hurting. I'm in so much pain, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't function day-to-day. It's hard to believe there will be a time that I'll feel true happiness again. Yes, yes I know, time heals all wounds, but it's so difficult to believe that right now. There's nothing that will numb this pain.
As breakups happen so frequently, we tend to view them as somewhat trivial. But they are truly a loss; I've been told you suffer the same emotions and go through the same grieving process as a death. This is what I am going through and I wish there was a post like this for me to read, to know I'm not alone.
I've never had a connection like this with anyone, he was my best friend and confidant. The love of my life left me, after nearly two years of what I thought was an incredible, loving, life-long relationship. He cut me out of his life, and I was left to pick up the pieces.
It was a complete blindside. I had so much trust in the love he had for me - so I was 100% myself. I didn't think I had to pretend or suppress my true emotions, in hindsight I wouldn't have been so raw.
I am a candid person and I've always thought being honest about any concern - no matter how insignificant - was the best policy in a relationship. I've realised I am someone that puts up walls to avoid feeling intense pain so often people see me as cold, but all that is, is my safeguarding my emotions. Through this time, I collapsed the wall and let myself be the true me, vulnerable as all hell. I gave everything to that relationship and I was kicked in the guts, hard.
In our time apart I've had moments where I felt happiness, but I've not been truly happy. I still return home feeling sad and empty, I've lost my favourite human and that one person on the earth who knew me inside and out for who I truly was. He decided the real me wasn't for him, which is what is so devastating.
I think I have a lot to offer and so much love to give, so I'm struggling to understand why he doesn't want me in his life. All I want to ask is 'why don't you love me?' I just don't get it. I always remember this line from a Jack Johnson song (cheesy AF, I know) that says 'loving somebody don't make them love you.' It's so sad, but true. It's hard to believe that the amount of love you put out isn't necessarily being reciprocated.
I am a strong woman and I know I will eventually get through this. However, no matter how fucking strong or independent of a person you are, heartbreak really is something that can break anyone of us - so make sure to be empathetic to those who are going through it. It's not petty, it's traumatic.
The reason I think I will publish this post is to raise awareness of mental health issues. If someone around you seems like they're struggling, just ask them how they are - it's as simple as that. This has really helped me in my workplace as simply knowing I have an awesome and understanding support system is what gets me out of bed in the morning.
Everyday people are facing their own emotional battles, some more intense than others. Regardless, I think the most important thing is to be aware of those around you and be as supportive as you possibly can. We're all going through this insane rollercoaster ride called life and you never know what is going on behind closed doors.
If any of you are facing your own battles, I want you to know I completely and utterly feel for you. Life is fucking hard - sometimes I wonder if it is just too hard and by god, it's completely unfair. Do the good times outweigh the bad? Sometimes I'm really not sure.
If anyone wants to talk about their own pain, feel free to contact me. I know a lot of you prefer to email me instead of comment and I'll do my best to reply. I am no psychologist, but it's nice to know that others understand what you're going through.
Here are some really helpful links below -